* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit  me.

 * Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 * Did you hear about the guy whose whole left  side was cut off?  He's all right now.

 * The roundest knight at  King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

 * To write with a  broken pencil is pointless.

 * When fish are in schools they  sometimes take debate.

 * The short fortune teller who escaped  from prison was a small medium at large.

 * A thief who stole a  calendar got twelve months.

 * A thief fell and broke his leg in  wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

 * Thieves who steal  corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

 * We'll never  run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

 * When  the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

 * The math professor  went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

 * The  professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

 * The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

 * If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your  memory.

 * A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

 * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

 * A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 *  Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

 * A  backward poet writes inverse.

 * A  chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 * With her marriage she  got a new name and a dress.

 * Show me a piano falling down a  mine shaft and I'll show you a  flat miner.

 * When a  clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 * The guy who fell  onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 * You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 * He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 * A calendar's days are numbered.

 * A lot of money  is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

 * A boiled egg is  hard to beat.

 * He had a photographic memory which was never  developed.

 * A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 * When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 * When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

 * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 *  Acupuncture: a jab well done.